Ranch wives. Ranch Ladies. Ranch Mommas. I’m speaking to you. I’m calling your name. I know you feel my pain when I say we “think” we can have our ranch “9-5” planned out, which is more like an hour before sun up until well after sun down. So this 9-5 is planned and all of a sudden you hear the diesel pickup whining as the tires screech to halt at the back door. Cab door thrown open, border collies barking, and as you hear the screen door slam, its followed by a “hey can you help me?”  Usually this is mid elbow deep in dinner prepping, bill writing, or some other pertinent house chore. And for me, it’s usually after the cold weather layers have been stripped off, or in the summer, when the flip flops have come on. And mind you, occasionally dinner is on half cook in the oven, or boiling on the stove, or chickens pecking the ground.  I think that’s a song verse, but it sounded appropriate.

And usually these “hey can you help me” are followed by, bring gloves, a jacket, a flash light, possible first aid kit, survival bag, and definitely mud boots, life jacket, flotation device, blanket, pillow, snack packs, and don’t forget the cell phone for evidence. Most often the help is needed in some form of mild to moderate cowtastrophe, or escape-capade, or chase through town and the target parking lot. Yes, that did happen. Or just the normal evening feeding, and he needs a feed truck driver, rather than him performing the feeding-driving ballet. Insert eye roll.

Though these may at times be inconvenient, they do make the best stories. And if I may confess, probably my most favorite part of being the ranch wife. But don’t let the Cowboss know my admittance.

So below are my list of cowtastrophes, with a few parodies to boot.  Heck, feel free to add a couple too! And might I add, usually these are via text or yell from the pick-up window or through the back door!

The ABC’s of Cowtastrophes

Now remember, this is how the so called earth shattering event is prefaced and preceeded by the “hey I need your help”. Which is usually shouted with much conviction or texted with exclamation points. To then be followed by one of the A through Z’s. The rest is left up to your imagination!

A- almost out of hay
B- bloated cow, calf, bull, llama, or whatever else bloats
C- calving season has started….
D- dogs are loose…. again…. down the highway…..
E- evening chores MUST be done….. before we can go rope…..
F- feed truck stuck, AGAIN. (Usually in the form of a text) Insert emoji’s!
G- goats are out…..
H- horses need caught….. I’m on my way!
I- ice needs broke in the troughs, I forgot to do it this morning….. 
J- just ran out of fuel- and yes my fuel light was on for 3 days…… 
K- ????
L- let the cows out……
M- More Beer Needed ?
N- never gathering bulls on the 4-wheeler, need help
O- obviously I should have used 4wd…..
P- probably forgot to close that gate…..
Q- quite possibly this is gunna take all night… (insert your own story)
R- really, I thought I wouldn’t get stuck… followed by a picture……
S- S$#&, cows are on the highway
T- take the calf puller……
U- usually I bring a dog, but ….
V- very loose horse shoe….. bring truck and trailer…..
W- well went out in the south 40……
X-???
Y- You need to do all the chores, I gotta go brand calves- this is yelled as he is running out the door! Insert 2nd eye roll.  This might be the Cow Boss’s favorite!
Z- ???